If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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