you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
