If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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