first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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