I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
