According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
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What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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