none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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