if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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