you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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