Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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