If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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