sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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