i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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