I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
