I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
