and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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