i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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