wat bout pragnant strippers??
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
