Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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