I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
