last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
