So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
