You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
