but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
