dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
