New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
