Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
