tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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