neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
