actually, I'm a sock model
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
