You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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