Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
another moral hangover. fuck.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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