On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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