My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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