There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
