Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
