I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
