his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
