You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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