Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
