just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize