I think I won the penis lottery.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
