you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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