You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
