nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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