Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
