Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
