the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
