Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
