Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
