SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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