If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
