I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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