eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
