omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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